Close this search box.

What is a Secure Attachment Style and How Does It Develop?

A mother and child embracing, showing a secure attachment style
Table of Contents

Have you ever wondered why some people seem to form deep, meaningful connections easily, while others struggle to maintain stable relationships? The answer lies in the impact of attachment styles.

These styles, formed during early childhood, profoundly influence our ability to form and maintain healthy relationships throughout our lives. In this blog post, we’ll explore the foundations of attachment theory, the four main attachment styles, and how to foster secure attachment in children for a healthier emotional life.

The Foundations of Attachment Theory

Attachment theory explores the emotional bonds developing between infants and their primary caregivers, which significantly influence healthy development and future relationships. The significance of attachment cannot be overstated, as secure attachments contribute to emotional stability and the ability to form healthy relationships throughout life.

The Role of Primary Caregivers

Primary caregivers significantly shape a child’s attachment style, which impacts their future relationships. Safety for an infant means proximity to their mother, as she provides nourishment, warmth, and protection, while danger signifies separation from her.

Primary caregivers, by addressing the child’s physical and emotional needs, cultivate a bond of trust and security. This bond serves as a stable platform for the child’s exploration of the world.

Evolutionary Significance of Attachment

Attachment carries an evolutionary purpose, safeguarding infant survival through the care and protection they receive from caregivers. This attachment bond facilitates the development of social and emotional skills, which are integral for forming relationships and navigating the social world.

Developing attachment paves the way for the cultivation of social and emotional skills and building secure relationships. It equips children with effective stress and distress tolerance skills.

The Four Main Attachment Styles

A family of four, showing the four main attachment styles

There are four main adult attachment styles:

  1. Secure attachment style: characterized by trust, comfort, and emotional stability in relationships. This is the most common and healthiest form.
  2. Avoidant attachment: characterized by a fear of intimacy and a tendency to avoid emotional closeness.
  3. Ambivalent attachment: characterized by a fear of abandonment and a tendency to be clingy and possessive in relationships.
  4. Disorganized attachment: characterized by a lack of consistent patterns in relationships and difficulty regulating emotions.

These attachment styles have distinctive characteristics that impact an individual’s relationships and capacity for emotional regulation. Secure attachment styles involve comfort and trust, promoting healthy relationships and emotional well-being. Insecure attachment styles (avoidant, ambivalent, disorganized) can lead to challenges with feeling safe, secure, and authentic in relationships.

Secure Attachment

Secure attachment, the preferred form, is defined by:

  • Trust, comfort, and emotional stability within relationships
  • Positive behaviors such as approaching their primary caregiver for comfort and security
  • Demonstrating faith and assurance in their caregiver
  • Expressing a positive emotional reaction upon reuniting with their caregiver after a period of separation

Adults with secure attachment often experience more rewarding relationships, improved communication, heightened trust, and a boost in self-esteem.

Secure Attachment and The Nervous System

People who have a secure attachment style have the ability to tolerate and regulate their emotions. Their window of tolerance is larger, meaning their capacity for distress is greater. The window of tolerance refers to the space in which we can handle stress before becoming overly triggered and too physiologically aroused for our prefrontal cortex to function effectively.

When outside of this window, we operate from our primitive brain, with our amygdala triggered, leading us to respond in a fear-based emotional manner rather than using our prefrontal cortex to make calculated decisions. The prefrontal cortex is responsible for executive functions such as planning, problem solving, decision making, emotional regulation, impulse control, and memory.

People with a secure attachment style have a larger window of tolerance, providing more capacity for emotional distress, enabling them to manage and tolerate difficult emotions and sensations more effectively.

Insecure Attachment in Children

Insecure attachment styles, such as avoidant, ambivalent, and disorganized attachment, can have detrimental effects on relationships and emotional well-being. Understanding one’s insecure attachment style is necessary for creating healthier connections.

The child with avoidant attachment usually avoids their caregiver and resists any interaction. They don’t even look for comfort when they are distressed.

The child with an ambivalent attachment style exhibits clingy behavior towards the caregiver, yet remains distressed even when the caregiver attempts to provide comfort.

Disorganized attachment displays a lack of clear attachment behavior, with actions and responses to caregivers being a mix of avoidance, resistance, and other behaviors.

Attachment Styles and Romantic Relationships

Attachment styles formed in childhood can significantly influence adult relationships, with secure attachment leading to healthier partnerships. Securely attached adults demonstrate trust in their romantic relationships, solicit comfort when distressed, and exhibit joy upon reunion.

People with insecure attachment styles often develop attachment chemistry with individuals who possess a complementary attachment style, perpetuating a cycle that reinforces their existing attachment beliefs.

For example, a person with an anxious attachment style may form a connection with someone who exhibits avoidant behaviors. This dynamic can serve to validate and reinforce the anxious person’s fears of abandonment and the avoidant person’s need for independence, thus perpetuating each individual’s attachment beliefs and behaviors.

In contrast, insecure attachment styles may lead to an insecure attachment bond, causing difficulties in forming and maintaining healthy relationships, fear of abandonment, and difficulty trusting others.

Developing Secure Attachment in Children

A mother and child playing together, showing consistent emotional support

Parents can nurture secure attachment in their children through consistent emotional support, promoting exploration and autonomy, and taking care of their own mental health. These practices facilitate the creation of a bond between the child and the caregiver, ensuring that the child feels supported emotionally and physically.

Secure Attachment and Neurobiological Resilience

When a child experiences consistent, responsive care from their caregiver, they develop a secure attachment style. This reliability from a caregiver offers the child predictable patterns of connection, safety, and support. As a result, the child’s nervous system learns to regulate itself effectively.

When faced with potential threats or stressors, a securely attached child, having internalized the experience of being soothed and comforted, is more likely to return to a state of equilibrium quickly. This resilience in the nervous system is often referred to as “neurobiological resilience.”

As the child grows, this neural blueprint of security and safety remains ingrained in their nervous system. Secure attachment promotes a healthy balance between the sympathetic nervous system (often termed the “fight or flight” system) and the parasympathetic nervous system (commonly known as the “rest and digest” system).

Securely attached individuals tend to have a more robust parasympathetic response, allowing them to effectively calm themselves after experiencing stress. This is in contrast to those with insecure attachment styles, who may have a hyperactive sympathetic response, making them more reactive to stress and less able to self-soothe.

In the broader perspective, the relationship between secure attachment and the nervous system underscores the profound interconnectedness of emotional well-being and physiological health. A securely attached individual not only enjoys healthier personal relationships but also benefits from a nervous system that is better equipped to handle life’s challenges with resilience and balance.

Consistent Emotional Support

Children’s secure attachment development hinges on caregivers’ consistent emotional support, granting them a sense of stability and tranquility. Parents who display inconsistency can bring about insecure attachment styles in children. This inconsistency is a significant risk factor for the development of these attachment styles.

Providing consistent emotional support enables children to cultivate trust and a sense of security, which is essential for the development of secure attachment.

Encouraging Exploration and Autonomy

Encouraging exploration and autonomy is a key part of child development and secure attachment. Emotional attunement assists children in feeling understood, accepted, and upheld by their caregiver, which plays a role in the formation of secure attachment.

Furthermore, when caregivers effectively address difficulties in the relationship, it can be beneficial for the child’s development of secure attachment.

Parental Self-Care and Mental Health

Parents’ self-care and mental health are fundamental to the creation of a stable and nurturing environment, promoting secure attachment development in children. When parents prioritize their own well-being and take care of their mental health, they are better able to create a nurturing and responsive environment for their children.

This facilitates the formation of a strong emotional bond between the parent and child, which is essential for the development of secure attachment.

Signs of Secure Attachment in Children and Adults

A mother and child talking, showing signs of secure attachment in children

Evidence of secure attachment manifests itself in children’s behavior and in the relationship patterns of adults. Securely attached children:

  • Approach their primary caregiver for comfort and security
  • Exhibit faith and assurance in their caregiver
  • Express a positive emotional reaction upon reuniting with their caregiver after a period of separation.

In adults, secure attachment is associated with greater trust, comfort, and satisfaction in relationships.

Children’s Behavior

To develop a secure attachment, children display trust in their caregivers, seek comfort when distressed, and show happiness upon reunion. Secure attachment provides children with a sense of safety and security, enabling them to investigate their environment and form connections with others.

This sense of security allows children to explore their environment and form relationships with others. They are more.

Benefits of Secure Attachment

A secure attachment is nurtured when a child experiences consistent care and responsiveness from their primary attachment figure. This stability and reliability lay down a blueprint for the child, providing a sense of safety, predictability, and support. As these children mature, their adult attachment style often mirrors this secure foundation, enabling them to handle stress, conflicts, and intimate relationships with a level of grace and resilience that might be challenging for others.

Navigating Conflict

Adults with secure attachment are comfortable with intimacy and autonomy, express emotions, and confidently depend on and help others. They are adept at resolving conflicts and problem-solving. Their proficiency stems from their ability to tolerate uncertainties and unresolved issues, self-soothing back into a regulated emotional state. In doing so, they engage their prefrontal cortex, which then effectively problem-solves and finds solutions.

For example, in a conflict, those with an anxious ambivalent attachment style internalize it and feel as if something is wrong with them. Those with an avoidant attachment style blame the other person, while someone with a disorganized attachment style oscillates between self-blame and blaming their partner.

On the other hand, someone with a secure attachment style sees the conflict as an external issue in the relationship that both parties are responsible for fixing. They don’t perceive the conflict as a threat to the relationship but rather as an external situation that needs collaborative resolution. This perspective allows them to approach their partner and move toward resolution without attributing blame to themselves or their partner.

Emotional and Nervous System Regulation

person practicing Emotional regulation and Nervous System Regulation for insecure attachment style

Individuals with a secure attachment style recognize, understand, and modulate their emotional responses. Their balanced emotional response ensures that even in situations that might stir strong emotions, they can maintain or quickly return to a state of equilibrium. This adeptness in emotional regulation not only aids in their psychological well-being but also ensures better conflict resolution skills.

For example, someone with an avoidant attachment style often feels smothered in relationships. When their partner seeks to depend on or lean on them, they may perceive this as being controlled or dominated, leading them to distance themselves. They may feel that their partner is overly demanding, fearing a loss of their own identity or feeling overwhelmed.

In contrast, someone with a secure attachment style is at ease with intimacy. They can empathize with their partner’s difficult emotions and thoughts without feeling the urge to flee or distance themselves. They also have the ability to recognize when they are reaching their emotional limits and can communicate this, requesting space when needed. They can discuss and agree on periods of separation and reliably return after such breaks, ensuring a balance of independence without resorting to avoidance or stonewalling.

Interdependence in Intimate Relationships

practicing healthy interdependence to heal attachment wounds and develop secure attachment

Securely attached individuals have a healthy balance of interdependence in intimate relationships. Individuals with this attachment style comfortably navigate between independence and dependence, striking a balance that allows them to relish intimacy while asserting themselves during boundary breaches or when advocating for their needs. They can articulate their needs and requests without resorting to blame, whether directed inwards or outwards.

On the other hand, those with anxious-ambivalent or avoidant attachment styles often struggle with the dynamics of intimacy. An anxious-ambivalent individual might become unsettled if their partner desires more personal space, often struggling with self-assertion, while an avoidant person could feel constrained, leading them to retreat. Securely attached individuals, however, remain at ease with intimacy, demonstrating empathy and understanding, while also asserting their own needs and boundaries without hostility or withdrawal.

For instance, someone with an anxious-ambivalent attachment style would become anxious if their partner desired too much space. Not only would they be concerned about what this implies, but they would also struggle to assert themselves and discuss the amount of time they need to feel soothed and secure in the relationship.

In contrast, a person with a secure attachment style could clearly identify and communicate the balance between time together and space that feels acceptable to them. They would also understand what would be intolerable and would be skilled in negotiating a scenario that feels manageable. Because individuals with an anxious-ambivalent attachment style often feel fearful within their relationships, they also feel uncertain about how to navigate achieving a sense of safety and security in the relationship.

Overcoming Insecure Attachment

A couple talking, showing signs of secure attachment in adults

Addressing insecure attachment requires pattern recognition, fostering secure behaviors in relationships, and possibly therapy.

Recognizing insecure attachment patterns can help individuals understand their relationship challenges and work towards developing secure attachment.

Recognizing Insecure Attachment Patterns

Identifying insecure attachment patterns forms the initial step in tackling relationship challenges and nurturing secure attachment. Indications of insecure attachment may include:

  • Avoidance of physical or emotional closeness
  • Fear of abandonment
  • Difficulty trusting others
  • Emotional volatility
  • Low self-esteem
  • Difficulty forming and maintaining healthy relationships.

Developing Secure Behaviors in Relationships

Cultivating secure behaviors in relationships entails open communication, emotional attunement, and building connections with people who have secure attachments.

Open communication facilitates the establishment of trust and understanding in the relationship, while emotional attunement helps cultivate a sense of security and intimacy.

Therapy for Insecure Attachment

Therapy can aid individuals in recovering from insecure attachment and in developing healthy social skills and relationship patterns. Various types of therapy, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), psychodynamic therapy, and attachment-based therapy, can assist individuals in understanding their attachment patterns and working towards establishing secure relationships.


In conclusion, exploring the foundations of attachment theory, recognizing the four main attachment styles, and taking steps to develop secure attachment in oneself and others, we can create a more emotionally stable and connected world.

If you’re looking for a behavioral therapist in San Francisco, our counselors in San Francisco, CA, take an evidence-based approach to treating attachment trauma. We help you identify your schemas associated with your attachment style. Next, we identify the automatic thoughts, feelings, sensations, urges, and behaviors that you engage in when these core beliefs get triggered in your relationships.

We help you identify your values, these will replace your old attachment-driven behaviors. Finally, we work with you to overcome the barriers to taking steps towards becoming the kind of person you want to be. Our licensed psychologists specialize in a holistic approach to cognitive behavioral therapy. We provide individual counseling, relationship therapy, group therapy, CBT workshops, and online therapy to offer flexibility and meet your unique needs.

Take the schemas quiz to identify your core beliefs in relationships.

Frequently Asked Questions

Evidence-based therapy involves interventions that are scientifically proven to be effective for particular issues. In this approach, a strong partnership based on trust and collaboration is formed between you and your therapist. Within this supportive and unbiased environment, you can freely express yourself without fear of judgment. Over a series of sessions, you and your therapist will work together to address obstacles and set goals aimed at personal growth and fulfillment. This method ensures that the techniques and strategies used are not only supportive but also empirically validated to help you achieve your therapeutic goals.

The Bay Area CBT Center provides therapy services for everyone, from children to adults, and welcomes individuals, couples, and groups. We help with various concerns like anxiety, depression, trauma, relationship issues, and behavior challenges. We value diversity and cultural differences, offering personalized and culturally sensitive care to each client.

Studies show that the bond between you and your therapist, known as the therapeutic alliance, is a key factor in treatment success. This alliance is characterized by the strength of your relationship and how well you both agree on treatment goals. Research indicates that individuals with a solid therapeutic alliance experience better treatment outcomes including greater productivity at work, more satisfying relationships, improved stress management, and decreased engagement in risky behaviors.

You can expect a 15-30 minute phone call with our care coordinator, who is extensively trained in ensuring the perfect match for you. During this conversation, our matching expert will collaborate with you to understand your therapy needs, preferences, and scheduling availability. This discussion builds upon the information you provided during sign-up and offers an opportunity for you to address any personal questions or concerns you may have about therapy or our services at The Bay Area CBT Center. Following your conversation, we’ll pair you with the therapist who best aligns with your needs, goals, and preferences.

At your matching appointment, we will match you with a therapist specifically chosen for you and schedule your first session. Depending on your availability, you can expect to meet your therapist anywhere from one day to a week after this appointment.

Our approach to therapy includes a flexible hybrid model, blending both online and face-to-face sessions. This option is perfect for clients situated close to our clinics in the Bay Area who prefer the flexibility of choosing between virtual consultations or meeting their therapist in person. Our aim with hybrid care is to ensure every client is matched with the ideal therapist and therapy environment, be it from the convenience of your own home or in one of our clinics.

At the Bay Area CBT Center, we accept PPO insurance plans that allow you to use out-of-network providers. This means if your insurance plan is a PPO and it includes mental health benefits, you could get back some or all of the money you pay for our services, depending on what your insurance company allows. When you see one of our therapists, they’ll give you a superbill. You can send this superbill to your insurance company to ask for reimbursement. If you’re not sure if your insurance covers services from providers not in their network, it’s a good idea to give them a call and check.

You may be eligible to have 60-80% of your costs covered by out-of-network benefits.

Also, if you have an FSA (Flexible Spending Account), you can usually use it to pay for individual counseling sessions. It’s wise to double-check with your FSA provider or talk to your accountant to make sure that counseling sessions are considered an allowed expense.

Services we Offer

Helping You Align Mind, Body, and Actions.

cbt therapists cbt therapy SF bay area california

Service 2

Individual Therapy

cbt online therapy and online counseling in SF bay area california

Service 2

Online Therapy

couple doing couples therapy and couples counseling in sf bay area california

Service 2

Couples Therapy

people doing CBT group therapy and workshops in san francisco california

Service 2

Groups & Workshops

coworkers doing CBT executive coaching in SF bay area california

Service 2

Executive Coaching

a man getting treatment with a counselor in san francisco ca

Service 2

Conditions We Treat

Check Out Our Books

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy in the Bay Area. You could say we wrote the books on it.

Check Out Our CBT Quizzes

cbt therapy treatment services therapy

Procrastination Quiz

grief and loss

Relationship Schemas Quiz

Self-Compassion Quiz

workplace schemas questionnaire

Workplace Schemas Quiz

relationship satisfaction

Relationship Satisfaction Quiz

person struggling with a trauma bond

Complex Trauma Quiz