If you and your partner are unsure about whether to stay married or get a divorce, discernment counseling might be the answer. This specialized therapy helps couples understand their relationship and decide on the best path forward. In this article, we’ll explain what discernment counseling is and how it can assist you in making this critical decision.
Key Takeaways
- Discernment counseling is a short-term therapy aimed at helping couples clarify their decision about divorce when facing mixed agendas, rather than resolving relationship issues.
- This approach involves structured sessions with a neutral counselor to facilitate individual reflection and mutual understanding, enabling couples to make informed decisions about their future together.
- Discernment counseling is particularly beneficial for mixed agenda couples but is not suitable for those experiencing domestic violence or severe conflict.
Understanding Discernment Counseling
Discernment counseling is a specialized form of therapy tailored for couples contemplating divorce. Founded by Dr. William Doherty, this approach is designed to help couples gain clarity and perspective about the future of their relationship. Discernment counseling can help couples navigate their options effectively.
Unlike traditional marriage counseling, which aims to resolve issues, discernment counseling focuses on understanding the dynamics of couples with ‘mixed agendas’—situations where one partner leans towards divorce while the other wishes to stay married.
Definition of Discernment Counseling
Discernment counseling is a short-term process for couples considering divorce, aiming to determine if their problems are solvable instead of solving them in the discernment counseling sessions.
This approach is effective even when one spouse leans toward divorce while the other wishes to save the marriage, addressing both perspectives.
How It Differs from Traditional Marriage Counseling
Discernment counseling differs from traditional marriage counseling primarily in its objectives. Traditional marriage counseling aims to improve the relationship and resolve issues, whereas discernment counseling focuses on helping couples clarify their future together.
It targets couples where one partner is contemplating divorce but remains unsure. Discernment counseling emphasizes decision-making over relationship improvement.
The Role of the Discernment Counselor
A discernment counselor serves as a neutral mediator, aiding couples in determining whether divorce is the best option. They offer unbiased guidance without advocating for or against reconciliation.
The counselor helps each partner recognize their contributions to marital issues, fostering clarity and perspective.
The Discernment Counseling Process
Typically spanning one to five sessions, the structured discernment counseling process assists couples in deciding whether to resolve their issues or proceed with the divorce process.
This structured approach reduces ambivalence about divorce, enabling couples to make informed decisions.
Initial Sessions
Initial sessions include a thorough evaluation of the marriage. The therapist asks core questions to understand the reasons behind considering divorce and the events leading to this point. The therapist meets individually with each partner to explore their feelings and agendas, focusing on each person’s role in the marital issues, which may benefit from marital and family therapy.
Follow-Up Sessions
Follow-up sessions build on initial findings, helping couples reach a decision. These sessions often involve personalized conversations.
Couples may be asked to list habits they wish to change to improve their marriage. They may also undergo assessments if considering reconciliation.
Techniques Used in Discernment Counseling
Techniques include individual conversations to help each person understand their role in marital issues. Assignments may include writing lists of habits to change or considering aspects during a potential divorce.
The process provides psychoeducation about divorce, aiding couples in understanding its emotional and logistical aspects.
Goals and Benefits of Discernment Counseling
The main goal is to help couples make a clear and confident decision about divorce. It helps couples recognize their individual contributions to problems and provides tools to express desired changes if they choose to work on the marriage.
Additionally, it offers benefits like improved post-divorce relationships and co-parenting.
Achieving Clarity and Confidence
It helps couples clarify their future goals and decide on continuing their marriage, providing a safe space for honest discussions.
Unlike traditional couples therapy aimed at saving the marriage, discernment counseling focuses on achieving clarity and confidence in deciding whether to divorce or attempt to repair the relationship.
Understanding Individual Contributions
Individual sessions enable each partner to reflect on and discuss their contributions to marital issues. This deeper understanding helps partners recognize their roles in relationship dynamics, effectively addressing mixed agendas through individual therapy.
Improving Post-Divorce Relationships
It also enhances post-divorce relationships by teaching ex-spouses to cooperate more productively during and after the divorce. Participants often describe their post-divorce relationships as cooperative, facilitating better co-parenting.
The process builds trust and enables cooperation, smoothing the transition for both parties.
Who Can Benefit from Discernment Counseling?
It helps couples clarify their decision about staying together or divorcing. It’s particularly beneficial when one partner is considering divorce while the other wants to stay married.
However, it is unsuitable for couples facing domestic violence or severe conflict.
Mixed Agenda Couples
Mixed agenda couples have one partner leaning toward saving the marriage while the other considers or leans toward divorce. It supports both perspectives equally, offering a structured approach to address mixed agendas and help partners reach a mutual decision.
Couples Facing Divorce Ambivalence
It offers a structured environment to reduce ambivalence about divorce by exploring the future direction of the relationship and challenging the status quo. It provides a neutral space for couples to reflect on their feelings and relationship dynamics without pressure toward a specific outcome.
Not Suitable for Cases Involving Domestic Violence
It’s not recommended for couples dealing with domestic violence or severe conflict. Such situations require specialized intervention and support.
Getting Started with Discernment Counseling
Starting discernment counseling can benefit couples with mixed agendas, helping them decide whether to divorce or recommit to their marriage.
Approach this process with an open mind and a willingness to discuss sensitive marriage-related topics.
Finding a Qualified Discernment Counselor
Finding a qualified discernment counselor is vital for the process’s success. Seek a marriage and family therapist (MFT) specializing in both marriage and divorce. Some MFTs offer discernment counseling, so inquire about this during your search with mental health professionals.
Preparing for Your First Session
Discuss discernment counseling with your spouse to ensure both are willing to participate. Approach the first session with an open mind, prepared for honest and challenging conversations about your marriage.
Honesty is vital for the counseling process’s success.
What to Expect During the Sessions
Expect individual conversations with the counselor to help each partner understand their role in marital issues. The aim is to create a safe space for partners to express feelings and thoughts, enabling informed joint decisions.
Common Misconceptions About Discernment Counseling
Common misconceptions about discernment counseling should be addressed to clarify its purpose and process.
Such misconceptions can deter couples from seeking help.
It’s Just Another Form of Couples Therapy
A common misconception is that discernment counseling is just another form of couples therapy. However, it is distinct as it focuses on helping couples decide the future of their relationship, rather than working on the relationship itself.
The Counselor Makes the Decision for You
Another myth is that the counselor decides for the couple. In reality, the counselor guides the couple in exploring options and facilitates a process for them to make their own decision.
It Only Works if Both Partners Are Fully Committed
It’s also a misconception that both partners must be equally committed to saving the marriage for discernment counseling to be effective. Discernment counseling can still be beneficial even if one partner is leaning out partner, as it helps both understand each other’s perspectives and make informed decisions.
Discernment Counseling at Bay Area CBT Center
At the Bay Area CBT Center, we specialize in working with couples on the brink—partners navigating mixed agenda situations, where one spouse is leaning out of the relationship while the other partner is still hopeful. Our discernment counseling services are designed to support partners in gaining a greater understanding of their relationship issues, while offering a structured space to decide whether to pursue couples therapy, separation, or a divorce process.
Unlike traditional couples counseling, discernment therapy focuses on clarity, not immediate change. In as few as one session, but typically up to five sessions, a therapist works individually and jointly with each person to assess the state of the relationship, the persons contributions to its current dynamic, and the potential for healing.
This approach is ideal for mixed agenda couples, where one spouse is uncertain and the other partner feels stuck. These are not couples ready to dive into long-term couples therapy, but rather couples in crisis who need help to decide—together—on one of three paths: commit to couples counseling, pursue the divorce process, or pause and revisit later.
How Discernment Counseling Can Help Mixed Agenda Couples
At the Bay Area CBT Center, our team of mental health professionals includes licensed marriage and family therapists across California including family therapists in San Francisco, and discernment counselors specially trained in helping partners reach a greater sense of clarity and emotional balance. Many of our clinicians hold licenses in marital and family therapy and have years of experience in family therapy in San Francisco, working with families, spouses, and children involved in high-stakes relational decisions.
Discernment counseling can help identify what each person’s contributions to the relationship have been, what values they hold, and what possibilities lie ahead. In situations involving lifelong commitment, co-parenting, or concerns about the impact on the children involved, it’s crucial to work with mental health professionals who are trained to facilitate respectful conversations that acknowledge each partner’s emotional reality.
We also understand that discernment counseling offers a unique chance to avoid the conflictual spiral that often accompanies the divorce process. Whether you ultimately decide to repair your bond through therapy or part ways with mutual respect, discernment therapy can make a pivotal difference.
Clients sometimes come to us after consulting divorce lawyers, realizing that before legal decisions are made, emotional clarity is vital. We are here to guide you toward a better understanding of yourselves, your relationship, and what path makes the most sense moving forward.
Whether you are seeking individual therapy, couples counseling, or family therapy, our clinicians can support you. We offer comprehensive services including marital and family therapy. Our mission is to offer actionable, science-backed solutions tailored to couples counseling, discernment counseling services, and the unique complexities of relationship issues.
We offer in-person and online therapy across California, including therapy in Oakland, therapy in Los Angeles, therapy in San Diego, and therapy in San Francisco. We offer specialized couples counseling in San Francisco and couples therapy in Los Angeles and Oakland. Whether you’re located in Northern or Southern California, access to discernment counseling services and support from trusted mental health professionals is just a step away.
Discernment therapy is not about assigning blame or rushing a decision. It’s about creating space for both partners to speak and be heard, to clarify, and ultimately to decide—with integrity and insight—what comes next. Let us help you uncover your relationship values and create a path rooted in greater understanding, no matter which direction you choose.
Summary
Discernment counseling is a powerful tool for couples on the brink of divorce, providing clarity, understanding, and a structured process to make informed decisions about their relationship. Whether deciding to part ways or recommit to the marriage, this form of counseling helps couples navigate their emotions and reduce ambivalence, leading to healthier outcomes for both parties. If you find yourself at a crossroads in your relationship, consider discernment counseling as a way to gain the clarity and confidence you need to move forward.
