Adults Need Time-Outs Too

CBT Center

September 24, 2015

I’m frequently asked whether it’s ever OK to walk away from a fight. Absolutely, it’s essential. But the method you use to do so is crucial.

In the midst of a heated argument or a high-stress situation, have you ever noticed how difficult it becomes to think clearly, make rational decisions, or even maintain a level of empathy towards others? It’s not just a lapse in patience or tolerance; there’s a profound psychological shift happening within us. This reaction is deeply rooted in our biology, specifically in our fight or flight response, which takes us back to our most primitive brain functions.

Managing Our Emotional Responses

During these moments, our ability to operate from our prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for judgment, reasoning, and higher-level functioning, is significantly diminished. This is precisely why adults, just like children, often need a time-out. You should take a break from a heated argument because the type of creative and objective problem solving that makes you a whiz at work shuts down when you feel the strong negative emotions associated with fights. However, you can’t leave the conflict unresolved. Instead, have a time out, allowing you both the space and perspective to calmly assess the conflict.

When is a Time Out Necessary

A time out is necessary when one or both partners are so triggered that they are no longer able to have a productive conversation. When we are triggered at over a 75% our skills go downhill and we are incapable of exploring a conflict with the same level of openness. If feelings of jealousy, insecurity, anger or hopelessness are at high intensity, then our capacity for effective problem solving is diminished. Learning to use time outs to calm ourselves down and clarify our feelings and needs can help us return to the conversation at a later time, when we are less triggered, and resolve the conflict effectively.

The Science Behind the Time-Out

When we’re triggered, our nervous system jumps into high gear, propelling us into fight or flight mode. This response is essential for survival in genuinely dangerous situations, but it’s far less helpful during a workplace disagreement or a heated discussion with a partner. The challenge lies in recognizing when we’ve shifted into this primitive state and understanding that, in that moment, we’re incapable of constructive communication or problem-solving.

Taking Responsibility for Our Emotional Regulation

It’s crucial to acknowledge that our nervous system is not within our control. However, how we manage and respond to that emotion is entirely up to us. This is where the concept of an adult “time-out” becomes invaluable. The process begins with self-assessment: recognizing when you’re triggered and determining the intensity of your emotional response on a scale from 0 to 100%. If you find yourself over 75% triggered, it’s time to pause.

Implementing the Time-Out

Taking a time-out doesn’t mean running away from the situation. It’s about giving yourself the space to process your emotions, allowing your nervous system to calm down, and returning to a state of homeostasis. During this time, it’s vital to be silent and introspective rather than seeking external validation or expecting others to regulate our emotions for us. Emotional regulation is a personal responsibility, one that involves assessing our feelings, identifying our needs, and addressing them ourselves.

Returning Constructively

Once we’ve managed to regulate our emotions and return to a more balanced state, we can then re-engage with the issue at hand. This time, however, we’re equipped with clarity about our feelings and needs, enabling us to communicate effectively and constructively. It’s not about suppressing emotions but understanding and managing them to work through conflicts or challenges more effectively.

How to Make Time Outs Clear and Fair

To make a time out fair, you need clear-cut rules that give the both parties assurances that their space is respected and the conflict will be addressed. It is better to identify and agree on the rules of a time out in a moment when neither partner is in a triggered state. Try these tips:

Agree on a word or phrase that signals a time out is necessary.
Convey to your partner that resolving the issue is important to you.
Don’t use accusatory language. Say, “I feel triggered,” not, “you made me angry.”
Agree on a time to talk again, soon. It generally takes around 30 minutes to calm down.

How to Have an Effective Time Out

A time out is not merely a break, but an opportunity to feel our negative emotions and gain perspective. To do so, perform an inventory of the emotions and thoughts you’re experiencing. Write down your thoughts and feelings to the following questions:

What sensations am I experiencing in my body right now?
Where in my body does this experience feel most intense?
On a scale of 0-10, how intense is this physical experience?

Next, imagine your feelings have a physical form and describe their attributes:

Color
Shape
Size
Level of intensity
Movement

After, turn your attention to your immediate concerns about the time out:

What are my fears about this time out?
What are my thoughts or beliefs about this?
What do I predict will happen?

Make note of your prediction. Notice what you predicted, and the future story your brain imagined. Finally, identify what triggered you. Now, check in on your values and the kind of partner that you want to be and use the following steps from Nonviolent Communication to identify and express your needs effectively:

When x happened, I felt _____
I need _____
Would you be willing to _____

After a brief period of calm introspection, you should feel closer to the heart of the problem and further away from its intensity. Use this as a tool as often as you and your partner feel triggered in arguments, and you’ll find you’re both better able to listen and be aware of differing needs. If you’re concerned about how to handle yourself when discussing the issue again, consult the University of Texas at Austin’s comprehensive post on building healthy relationships.

Conclusion

The adult time-out is not a sign of weakness or avoidance but a powerful tool for emotional intelligence and resilience. By recognizing when we’re too emotionally activated to be constructive, taking the time to regulate our emotions, and then returning to the discussion with clarity and calm, we not only improve our interactions but also model responsible emotional management. Remember, the goal is not to eliminate emotional responses but to understand and navigate them in a way that enhances our relationships and our overall well-being.

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