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Bay Area CBT Center · Worksheet

The Timeout Contract

Past a certain level of activation, you are not having a conversation — you are having a stress response. Reasoning, explaining, and making your case all stop working, because the part of your brain that does those things has gone offline. The timeout is not a punishment and it is not the silent treatment. It is a structured pause with a job to do, and a guaranteed time you come back.

Why this works — and the one rule that makes or breaks it

Call a timeout any time either of you is at 70 or above. At that level you’re not in your prefrontal cortex anymore, you’re in your primitive brain. You will not make sense. Nothing you say will land the way you mean it, and nothing your partner says will land the way they mean it. This is not the moment to reason, explain, defend, or make one more point. It is the moment to stop talking.

Either of you can call it, and the other honors it immediately. A timeout is never negotiated in the moment. There is no “just let me finish.”

The timeout has a job. It is not for cooling off by distraction, and it is not for building your case. You use the time to regulate yourself, get clear on what you’re feeling and needing, and come back with a specific request.

You must come back at the time you agreed on

This is the rule that makes the whole contract work. If you don’t come back at the agreed time, the timeout has stopped being a timeout and has become avoidance — and the moment that happens, your partner can no longer trust the word, and the contract is dead. Come back at the time. Even if you come back only to say you need a longer one.

Part 1The contract

Fill out together, calm

Do this when you are both regulated — never mid-argument. Then print it and keep it somewhere you’ll both see it.

Partner 1

Partner 2

Our timeout word

Pick one word or short phrase that either of you can say to start a timeout. It has to be non-judgmental and it cannot contain “you” language — nothing that lands as an accusation. A neutral cue word works well precisely because it carries no content: chicken, pineapple, red, anchor. A plain statement works too, as long as it’s about you: “I need a timeout,” “I’m at a 70,” “timeout.”

Tap to try one:
Pick a word together. The check below will tell you if it carries an accusation in it.

When we call it

The threshold is a number, not a judgment call in the moment. At or above it, the word gets said — by either of us, without debate.

Either of us calls a timeout atout of 100 activation, or above.

How long, and what happens if we’re still activated

Twenty minutes works for most people. Some need longer — use what actually regulates you. If you come back and either of you is still at or above the threshold, you don’t push through. You escalate to the next round.

First round

The standard. Long enough for your body to come down, short enough that nothing festers.

Second round

Use this when 20 minutes wasn't enough. Nobody has to justify needing it.

Third round

For the ones that go deep. Still a timeout, not a freeze-out — you still come back at the time.

The rules we’re both agreeing to

Initial each one. If you can’t agree to a line, that’s the conversation to have now — not at a 70.

We agree that…
Partner 1
Partner 2
Either of us can call a timeout, and the other honors it immediately.No negotiating it in the moment. No "just let me finish this one point."
We stop talking the moment the word is said.No last word, no parting shot, no muttering on the way out. Nothing said after the word counts as communication — it only counts as damage.
We physically leave the shared space.Different rooms, or one of us goes outside. Staying in the room keeps both bodies activated.
No texting, no messaging, no arguing by phone during the timeout.A timeout you can keep fighting through is not a timeout.
We agree on the return time before we separate.Say it out loud and both look at a clock. "Back at 4:15." Not "in a bit."
We come back at the agreed time — every time, without exception.This is the one that makes the contract real. Not coming back turns the timeout into avoidance and kills the word for good. Come back even if it is only to say you need the next round.
We do the work during the timeout — regulate, then fill out the NVC formula.Not building your case, not rehearsing your argument, not scrolling. The timeout has a job.
Neither of us comes back without a specific request.Feelings and needs alone leave your partner guessing. The request is what makes anything change.
If either of us is still at or above the threshold when we return, we escalate to the next round.We do not push through it. Nobody has to justify needing the longer one.
A timeout is never used as a punishment, a threat, or a way to end the conversation permanently.If the word starts getting used to shut things down, we bring that to therapy rather than to the argument.

Signed — Partner 1

Signed — Partner 2

Part 2What you do during a timeout

One per timeout

This is the work. Never come back from a timeout without your NVC formula, a specific request, and a regulated body. Fill one of these out each time you take a timeout — separately, each of you.

Timeout 1

1The clock

Set before you separate. Say it out loud to each other.

Round

Left at

Coming back at

My activation when I called it

Where I am now

2Regulate first

Do this before you write anything down. You cannot write a clean request from a flooded body, and rehearsing your argument will keep you activated. Pick what works — you are responsible for your own regulation here.

Where do you feel it most intensely? What color is it? What shape? What size? Can you make space around it rather than pushing it out — and send it some warmth?

“It makes sense that I feel ______.” · “It makes sense that I need ______.”
It makes sense that I feel hurt. It makes sense that I feel lonely. It makes sense that I feel angry. It makes sense that I need respect. It makes sense that I need understanding. It makes sense that I need empathy.

Use a guided practice if it helps — self-compassion and loving-kindness meditations. Or your own phrases: “This is a moment of suffering.” “May I be kind to myself right now.” “May I give myself what I need.”

3Your NVC formula

Fill in all four. You do not come back without this.

What triggered me

The observation only — what a camera would have caught. No interpretation, no motive, no “always” or “never.”

What I felt

What I need

My specific request

Specific, doable, and phrased as what you do want. Something your partner could actually do, starting today.

This is the part people skip. A request is specific, doable, and phrased as what you do want. Not “be more considerate” — “would you text me if you’re going to be more than 20 minutes late?”

The schema that fired for me

4Their side — your best guess

Guess, in good faith, before you come back. You will be wrong about some of it, and the guessing itself is what softens you. Ask them if you got it right when you return.

What triggered them

What they may have felt

What they may need

The schema that may have fired for them

5Coming back

Not ready yet — still missing: what triggered you, your feelings, your needs, a specific request, being back under the threshold, the agreed return time. If the clock runs out before you have all of it, still come back at the agreed time and say you need the next round. Coming back late is never the answer.

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